Since I closed my business, I’ve been trying to move on and look toward the future. The problem is, when I look into the future, I see nothing but a big, blank space. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I temporarily slipped back into my comfort zone and accepted two short-term consulting jobs in my old career field of tax and accounting. When the opportunities came up, I had no other job, no other business, and no other plan. I couldn’t think of any valid excuse to turn down such opportunities, so I took the jobs. And I will admit, there was a brief moment, while sitting in my comfortable temporary office, earning my generous temporary paycheck, when I considered making that job permanent. Compared to owning my business, there was less risk, less stress, and more money. But I couldn’t do it. I’ve been down that road before, and although it had its perks, I wasn’t happy. Why choose a path that I already know doesn’t lead to the life I want? So after the jobs ended, I resumed my unemployment and quest to find happiness.
While I realize that I’m lucky to have such opportunities, for both income and experience, I don’t want to rely on those jobs forever. I don’t want to end up trapped in a career I don’t like, and I certainly don’t want to settle for coasting through life picking up temp jobs here and there to break up the monotony of unemployment. I still want to find my true passion.
But what is my passion? Two years ago, before I started my business, I was excited about life’s possibilities! I was full of hope, energy, and optimism. Now I’m just… melancholy. I feel dejected, lethargic, and confused. After I closed my business, I was momentarily excited by the idea of starting over and having another chance to be successful in the new city I call home. But that feeling quickly passed when I realized I have no idea what to do next. My career (and my options) are at a stand-still. And that has caused depression to set in, which has led to lack of motivation, which has led to even more depression.
This is new territory for me. I have no job, no income, no goals, and no direction. I’m just… lost. I really want to move on with my life and shift in a positive direction, but that is hard when I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. I want a career I’m passionate about and a job I love, but… what job?! I know that my depression and lack of motivation are partially caused by my failed attempt at owning a business, but even more, I’m depressed because I’m not productive. I’m happiest when I feel that my life has purpose, and I’m being productive and working toward a goal. I can’t stay stagnant in my current situation, wallowing in failure and depression, any longer. I need to move on.
I’m not giving up on finding a new career that I’m passionate about, but for now, moving on might require me to move backward… right back into my old career. If having a goal is what I need to propel me out of this depression, then my new goal is to take some more tax and accounting jobs to make some money and buy me some time to figure out my next move. Taking a small step backward might just lead to a giant leap in a positive direction. This is just a temporary, necessary (unfortunately) detour on the path to career happiness.